Straight white able-bodied English-speaking man can travel wherever the hell he wants

A straight white able-bodied English-speaking man who judges others for not “getting out there and seeing the real world” can go pretty much wherever the fuck he likes, sources have confirmed.

Entitled prick Timothy Fogarty-Jones – who went to Oxford and lives in an inner-London terrace house his parents bought for him – has never had any trouble travelling “off the beaten path” thanks to his privately insured white penis.

“I don’t know why on earth you’d spend your summer in Blackpool when you could take a month to really explore the French Riviera by car,” Fogarty-Jones reportedly told barista Jasmina Shah while waiting for his flat white this morning.

“Don’t you agree? I just think there are so many beautiful places on this planet, and it’s a shame not to make the most of that,” he said to Pakistani-born Shah, who can’t get into a single European country without a visa.

“The missus and I are popping across to Iceland this weekend. We found a great package deal for only 1000 quid per – you should check it out!” he said without a trace of irony to Shah, who spends most of her £5.90/hour salary paying the rent on her shared bedroom in Croydon.

Shah later told reporters that “the bellend actually suggested I get a bit more adventurous and take a solo trip to Myanmar? Has he heard how they treat Muslim women there?”

“It’s alright though – Timothy’s getting a little extra foam in his flat white today,” she added, wiping a fleck of spittle out of the corner of her mouth.