Lucy, a British girl living in Banff, Canada, has taken to social media to voice her concern at the political situation back home. “Can’t believe this happened, heartbroken” she told her several friends on Facebook. The ruling Conservative Government, a notorious hive of evil dipshits, has totally trounced the opposing Labour Party and its memelord leader, Jezza C.
The Conservative government boasts a number of extremely shit policies, including “reforming the constitution” to be more shit, selling off the NHS to Trump to make it more shit, and making sure disabled people continue to be treated like shit by the DWP. Despite the last Labour Government being pretty shit, it at the very least presented a facade of trying to make things noticeably less shit for a lot of people. And Lucy has been making everyone aware of this for the past two months on social media. Unfortunately, because English people don’t like non-shit things, they found this vaguely annoying.
The reasons for the landslide are currently unclear to most. While many would blame extreme media bias against Corbyn (even from the nominally neutral BBC), an insane amount of backstabbing from the Labour Party’s centrist wing, and Labour’s unclear position on Brexit — this still doesn’t explain why the result was so dramatic. The Tragic Traveller‘s British political correspondent, however, has the answer: English people are basically shit, like things that are shit, and force shit things on other people.
Lucy continued to say things like “we are better than this!” and that “this isn’t the Britain I know.” This is a surprise to most countries that are victims of British tourism. Anyone who has interacted with an English person abroad is fully aware that English people are pretty fucking dogshit, and love to make places more like England by making them shit. This is achieved by something as subtle as propping up lame pubs across the Mediterranean, or as complex as making the majority of the third world incredibly fucking shit through imperialism.
It goes without saying that this is not shared by Scottish, Welsh, or Northern Irish voters who voted for not shit things (and in fact went out of their way to kick out shit things like the DUP). It is very likely that their preference for not shit things will cause friction, and eventually result in them forming or joining less shit places. In the coming years, many anticipate people will say “the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland” in the same tone as “the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia.”
Nor is this shared by the disabled, LGBT, minority, or youth voters who came out in droves to bring down the shitcunt government. Unfortunately, they were far outnumbered by people who were none of those things and valued life being shit over the wellbeing of people who don’t like things being shit.
Nonetheless, Lucy is looking to the future. She’s already rehearsing responses to questions from other travellers. While she can sufficiently answer confused foreigners’ questions like: “Why did Brexit happen?” or “Why is Boris the Prime Minister?”, the central explanation is lost on her. It turns out England is just a sad, petty little island full of weird losers who love having a country that’s impossible to live in.
Lucy is currently googling how to emigrate to non-shit countries. With America and Australia starting to go the way of their forefathers in preferring having shit lives, she’s got her work cut out for her.